Adoptees in Reunion

You've found your birth family! Now what?

What’s next after a match is made?

All of a sudden the match is there. Birth parents or siblings are found. What’s next?

Although reunion may be the end of your search, it is the beginning of a new journey, one full of questions and emotions. Every reunion is unique. To help you in this new situation we collected tips and tricks from people who have taken this road before you.

Know that the reunion is not only emotional for you but also for your birth family. Old wounds are opened and this hurts. China is a collectivist society, meaning they value interdependence, rather than independence. Loss of face must be avoided. As a result of this some answers to your questions may not be given (immediately). Sometimes the birth family does not want to meet (at first). Other families will be thrilled and will overwhelm you with presents and attention. Every reunion is unique. Things may not go the way you have envisioned, but remember, every relationship is different. Relationships may evolve over time, so it is best to keep an open mind.

Allow yourself to have all kinds of emotions; do not feel ashamed if you feel anger or sadness. The family may even feel like strangers, but that does not mean it will feel like that forever. Anything is possible. Do not be too harsh on yourself.

Tips and Tricks

How to Take Care of Yourself

It is important to listen to your own wishes and boundaries. If you want people around, ask yourself the questions: who is willing to be your listening ear, shoulder to lean on? Who will understand you the best?

Choose your support team (family, friends, a teacher or colleague)
Join social media groups for support - Facebook, WeChat, Facebook groups:
- Chinese Adoptees Who Have Located Birth Family (for adoptees)
- China - Birthparent Contact (for adoptive parents)
- WeChat group for adoptees in reunion: contact Kathy, lygchinamom

Keep a journal. Because of all the emotions, it is easy to forget details you were told.

If You Do Not Feel 100% Sure That the Match is Correct

A match is only a match after a DNA test is done. If you are not sure that the DNA test has been done properly, you can ask the family to do a second DNA test. See this link for organizations who will help test birth parents.

Guidelines for Initial Contact

Managing Expectations

As in every family, expectations and wishes can differ. It would be good to ask yourself the following questions upfront. It would be great if your birth family would do the same. This can ensure there is a mutual understanding of expectations.

How good is your Chinese speaking and listening?

[1] I speak close to zero Chinese. I will always need an interpreter.

[2] I can understand some very basic sentences.

[3] I can do simple and basic conversation with Chinese, but it needs to be slow and clear.

[4] I can communicate using Chinese fairly well, I only need help while talking about some complicated topics. I can manage 95% of daily conversations.

What relationship do you want with your birth family online?

[1] I just want to know my story.

[2] I just want to update each other of significant life events like marriage or graduation.

[3] I want to chat or have a phone call/video call on birthdays and big holidays like Christmas or Chinese New Year.

[4] I want to have some regular contact, like every month/two months.

[5] I want to have more frequent communication, like once a week/ once every two weeks.

[6] I want to have very frequent communication like more than 2 to 3 times a week.

Do you want to go to China to visit your birth family?

[1] yes, as soon as possible.

[2] yes, but I am not in a rush, I want to visit in a year or two.

[3] yes, at some point in my life, but I do not have a specific time in my mind.

[4] I don’t know yet.

If your birth family wants to visit you in your country, do you want them to? If so, do you want to accommodate them at your home?

Think about the costs for:

Flights

Housing

Note: although lodging together can save money, you may want to consider mental and physical space at the end of the day to reflect on your reunion independently or with your non-birth family support system.

Transportation

Food

Time spent together

Do you have any medical conditions or sexual orientation that you want your birth family to know? Please be aware of cultural differences.

Cultural Differences

The biggest cultural differences between China and America/West Europe are

the following:

US/West Europe

China

Direct communication

Individual society

Self-development and privacy

Solar calendar

Open regarding politics and religion

Avoid loss of face

Community society

Group interest

Lunar calendar

Closed regarding politics and religion

Simple examples:

If you ask something and the real answer is “no,” your birth family may say, “yes” or give an evasive answer, but their actions will indicate a “no.”

You may get direct questions about marriage and salary, but you will not easily get answers on questions about how their trip to the children’s home (orphanage) happened and who was involved with your abandonment.

They will treat you with gifts and dinners, although you know that they have a very low salary. They will not let you pay.

Birthdays are most of the time celebrated using the lunar calendar. So if a date is given, always ask if the date is in the lunar calendar or in the solar calendar. To convert you can use this website.

The political system in China and the power of the government is big. It makes some topics very sensitive. People may not discuss politics at all or at least not in the open. Some topics can even be dangerous to discuss in public.

Tips and Tricks for the First (online) Meeting

WeChat / Video Chat

Most people in China have a WeChat account. This is an easy way to communicate. Make your own account. Please make sure you use it every month so your account will not be de-activated.
Via WeChat you can have video calls and make group chats.

Translation Help

Even the more highly educated people in China often do not speak English well enough to have a conversation about emotional subjects, such as abandonment and reunion. If your Chinese is not past conversational level, it is a good decision to hire an interpreter to have in-depth conversations. There are interpreters with (a lot of) experience with adoption.

First Questions You Could Ask

Date, time and place of birth

Information about your birth and the pregnancy
The story about your beginning
Their birthdays, daily lives
Medical history of the family
The path to your abandonment/to your children’s home (sensitive subject for birth families)
Does the extended biological family know about me (for example a divorce and remarriage is an example of a situation where the new family may not know about you)

Take notes during the first call or record the call (with permission), so you are always able to read/listen back. The emotions will make it more difficult to register details you were told.

Please know that on sensitive topics you will not get a (correct) answer. “I don’t remember” is often said. Sometimes after a couple of years/meetings you get the answers after all or get the real answer.

Tips and Tricks for the First Physical Meeting

Manage your expectations. Things may not go the way you have envisioned. Emotions, language barriers, and cultural differences can make a first meeting complicated.

Decide where you want to meet. Your hotel room may be your private place to stay after a reunion, so it may be better to find a third, neutral place for the reunion. In China a lot of restaurants have private rooms you can rent. You may need a place to have some distance and be on your own during, or shortly after, the reunion.

Decide who you want to have present at the reunion. Some volunteer organisations want to make videos of reunions. The local press can be around, a live stream can be made, the whole village can come to have a look. Communicate your wishes clearly, but also prepared for another scenario to happen.

Ask someone to take pictures and/or to write down everything that is said.

Gifts are of big importance in China, so consider bringing a gift to the first meeting, even if it is just some fruit. You could consider bringing a photo album with photos of you at different ages. Do not bring anything too big or expensive, as the family might feel the urge to give you a more lavish gift in return.

The most important part is to take care of yourself. Take enough time to rest and to process everything. Do not be too harsh on yourself. Give you and your birth family time to reunite and build a new relationship.

Role of the Adoptive Parents When the Adoptee is a Minor/Young Adult

Some adoptees are still minors when the birth family is found. They depend on their adoptive parents for contact or going to China. We have also collected some advice for adoptive parents and their young children.

Do not push too much. Let your child do the reunion at their own pace.
Help protect the boundaries for your child as needed.
Check in with your child. What do they need or want?
Find your own support system separate from your child; they have enough to deal with on their own. Support them without judgement.
Embrace the family, no matter what the story is. Give your child the space to explore their feelings. Train your heart so it is big enough for this extended family, and ensure your child knows how much you welcome the new family.
Teenagers and young adults are already starting to separate themselves from their parents naturally as they grow up. Adoptive parents can be supportive and happy for their child's reunion. Adoptive parents are of course allowed to feel mixed emotions, but don't share too much with the adoptee, as it is difficult enough for adoptees to handle a reunion. After some time has passed you can have a deeper conversation with the adoptee about your own feelings.